There is a particular episode of South Park which mocks the leftist understanding of how profits work. The entire episode revolves around two stories. One story is of Starbucks moving into town to compete against the local coffee shop. The second story revolves around Gnomes who go around stealing underwear. The gnomes explain their plan:

The first step is collecting the underpants. The second step is unknown. The third step is profiting. The entire point of the episode is that Step 2 is often left out of the critique by those who criticize large companies. The only way to make money, other than using coercion or theft, is to engage in mutually beneficial transactions. Starbucks only wins out because customers prefer it over the competition. Mises.org explains in detail.

Calvinism reminds me of Underpants Gnomes. Here is one such Calvinist explaining the time Jesus “claimed to be omnipresent”. I turned it into a meme:

The Calvinist reads the Bible. But then the Calvinist misses Step 2, which would be where normal people would try to figure out what is being communicated. And then the Calvinist just jumps to Step 3: Calvinism. Proverbs says the “eyes of the Lord are in every place”; that must mean God inhabits every square inch of space in the universe (including hell, fecal matter, and child molesters). The bounds of logic are indescribable.

The only way to understand how a Calvinist’s mind works is to understand that Calvinism is a mindset. It comes to the Bible with predetermined theology, and tries to force its theology wherever it can (discarding all else).

It is because of this, Calvinists are Underpants Gnomes: